It was a bright and sunny morning. I can just about endure 10 degrees when it’s bright and sunny outside. The washing was happily drying in the cold wind and it gave me pleasure to see them out of the corner of my eye in the garden. It made me remember my love for a long clothesline tied between two trees in a big garden where every week, sheets will be hung out to dry- big, white sheets billowing in the wind. I think about watching the sheets dance as i prepare lunch or pay the bills online or bake bread or chat with a friend over a cup of earl gray tea. And then i think about burying my face in the sheets when i take them down in the early evening. I think about how they will smell- of sunshine and spring blooms and love. Just the idea of this allows peace to flood through my body.

But yesterday, i had to be content with my washing drying in my very, very little back garden.

The sun was glorious and i took the time to inspect the plants after three miserable weeks of continuous rain. One of my three lavender plants was blooming, the parsley (strangely, the only herb that seems to be able to grow in my garden) was producing huge leaves and going crazy and most importantly, my jasmine plant was sprouting fresh leaves and sneaking its way up the support and onto the wall. I will be plastering my face to that wall in September when spring arrives and tiny white flowers start to appear. When my baby gets here in October, we will both be plastered against that wall, inhaling our jasmine.

And so, Thursday came and went.

Hot tears roll down my cold cheeks and it suddenly seems like nothing is working out. My belly holds a life that is growing without me even thinking about it but my own life seems to require lot of thought and action, too much thought and not enough action if i’m being honest about it. The ‘What ifs?’ and ‘I can’ts’ plague me daily and follow me around, refusing to leave.

The first three months of being pregnant left me with a dread that is taking too long to go away. I don’t dread this baby. In fact, something akin to love is developing with this little human i don’t even know. What i dreaded was the constant nausea and the trips to the bathroom or the kitchen sick. I dreaded falling asleep at 3am and waking up at 2 pm the next day, feeling completely disoriented and sick and a lesser version of my former self. I reluctantly went to sleep at night knowing what was in store for me the next morning. When at 14 weeks, the nausea went away and i could manage to leave the house without a sick bag by my side, i felt a sense of relief- maybe now i could finally enjoy being pregnant. But the body takes time to recover. After not being able to keep much food or water down the first three months, i now felt hungry all the time. Hungry and tired and emotional. I feared that there would be something wrong with the baby. Every trip to the midwife’s office left my heart racing. Some days, i found it easy to listen to the voice that was gentle and reassuring, the voice that told me the baby was going to be just fine. Other days, i could only focus on every thing that could go wrong.

In the shower, i stroke my belly and know that i will love this baby with a love that cannot be described; a love that wants the best for this child; a love that wants to hold and protect and reassure and kiss and feed and change and make better. I know this will happen because i feel it taking root in my heart. But today, i wanted to be honest with you and myself and not feel ashamed of the way i feel. I am not exuberant with joy. What i am is expectant and fearful and tired and emotional and grumpy and grateful.

My husband Jonathan and i are pleased to announce the launch of our business Sarah & Larsen. We design websites, sell photographs and do family/couple photoshoots.

Our website is sarahandlarsen.com

Yay!! This is such an exciting time for us and we’re taking such a big risk by starting our own business but if not know, then when? Also, we have a blog on the website so i’ll probably be blogging alot more over there now at sarahandlarsen.com/blog. Please update your RSS feeds and i hope you continue walking my life with me over there.

xx Gen

This was dinner yesterday. My special homemade pizza was topped with anchovies, red chillies, olives, bocconcini and parsley and a drizzle of olive oil. Yum! We also had a bbq chicken pizza that i tried for the first time for lunch today and it was amazing- bbq sauce, mushrooms roasted chicken and cheddar. The third pizza you see is hawaiian. I’m not a fan of processed meat so i passed on this one. It was for the boys anyway.

We started off our trip in London for three days. London was lovely but i found it very similar to Sydney and Melbourne. Of course, the main highlights of the European leg of our trip are Paris, Venice and Rome so i was itching to move on to stop number two- Paris.

Paris is amazing. What can i say- French women are so chic. The way they dress, scarves effortlessly strewn around their slender necks; their coats fitting them perfectly; walking with such confidence. Ah, to be French.

I have had my share of cafe cremes, croissants and pain au chocolats. I have gotten lost and wandered along chestnut tree-lined streets. The metro has become manageable after just a few days. And tomorrow we go to Montmartre where the Amelie soundtrack will be playing in my mind as i walk up the steep streets.

And just when you start to get used to the French language and trying to order in halting French, you move on. We go to Venice in two days. I wonder what adventures await us there.