I was listening to this song the entire afternoon as i got ready to go to church and it really prepared me for what was to come later.

Mass this evening was a beautiful experience for me.

There were moments throughout the entire celebration when all i wanted to do was lift up my hands in praise of God and yell “I love you, Lord” at the top of my voice. And then there were other moments where i closed my eyes and let the hymns and the rituals wash over me like rain after a drought. I played the organ and piano today and it felt so right, as if my soul was satisfied. Whenever i play these days, i play as if my life depends on it, so much so that it feels as if my heart has been laid out for everyone to see. My emotions have no place to hide, regardless of whether i’m upset, angry or happy.

What a wonderful gift i’ve been given- the gift of music that needs to be shared with everyone.

What a wonderful gift we’ve been given- the gift of Jesus.

I am overwhelmed by the extent of God’s goodness. Matthew Kelly, in his book titled A Call to Joy describes joy as “the all-intoxicating feeling of becoming“. Everyday is a struggle for me as i alternate between feeling really good about myself to having a knife in my hand and thinking how easy it would be to stab myself in the heart.

But joy is not happiness, which is so transient. Joy is a gift which resides in the heart, helping you up when you’re plagued with troubling thoughts and reminding you to offer a prayer of thanksgiving when good things happen.

Joy has taken root in my heart. Has it in yours?

After my exhilarating walk at the beach this morning (see post below), i came home to a breakfast of cereal- some Post (peaches and almonds) combined with a chocolate one i got from Carrefour not too long ago. Alas, this particular combination didn’t work too well and the end product tasted odd. But i ate it all up whilst watching Oprah.

I try not to waste food as much as possible and i was too engrossed in Oprah to really taste my food. So that was fine.

At 11am, i was stretched out on my bed doing my relaxation exercise and promptly fell asleep for the next two hours. I guess my relaxed mind and the anti-anxiety pill (which is supposed to make me drowsy) i took just before the exercise was too powerful a combination.

Apart from the fact that my nap made me miss John Kerry’s speech on CNN (I was not happy about missing Edwards’ one yesterday, especially after watching Obama’s the day before), it was good. Sleep is such a nice way to recharge yourself and the rest of the afternoon was spent cleaning my room, having lunch (noodles, beef and potatoes- yummy.) and waiting for Jus to come over. We looked at photos and talked till it was time for me to leave for mass at 6pm.

It was unfortunate that i was feeling very un-relaxed by the time i reached my church.

It was even more unfortunate that i came home to find all my precious photographs missing from my brother’s computer. I could feel my heart starting to beat a little faster and immediately popped another anti-anxiety pill.

Turns out my brother had HIDDEN the photos in another folder because he wanted me to think he had erased them.

Now, do i know that this is nothing to cry over? Absolutely. But i’m sorry to say that tears did start to fall. I just can’t help myself these days.

My dad scolded my brother for making me unnecessarily upset and i felt all better after that. Hah.

In other news, i got a Jennifer Knapp album this evening! I adore her and so, am very pleased with my purchase. Right now, i’m listening to Hillsong’s Overwhelmed album which, apart from providing me with lots of reassurance, is very conducive for worship. I will hopefully get the Steven Curtis Chapman one soon.

Would you like to buy it for me?

Yesterday, i met the beee-yoo-tee-ful Lil for lunch and coffee. I love being around her and i  swear she gets prettier everytime i see her! We both ended up buying a copy of The Time Traveler’s Wife. I *really* hope she likes it as much as i did.

Why is it that depression always creeps up on you, stealthily like a thief, whenever you think that you’re doing ok, that you’re finally, finally beginning to mend?

It felt like a chore to be alive today. To walk from my room to the kitchen. To have lunch. To answer calls. It takes an inexplicable amount of effort just to carry out these ordinary activities when you’d rather be lying in bed, safe from the world outside.

At about 2:30 in the afternoon, i finally gave up and went to bed. It was a relief, let me tell you- sleeping and forgetting and not thinking.

At 3:30, i remembered the promise i made Jus to see a doctor to maybe get started on some anti-depressants or something. Or anything. I made myself get out of bed, got changed and walked slowly to the doctor, telling myself that i absolutely was not going to start crying in front of him.

Well, i didn’t. He talked to me for a while and decided that he wants to wait before starting me on anti-depressants. I got mood stabilisers instead and i need to take them for 20 days before going back to see him. In the meantime, i’m supposed to remember all the good things in life and get out of the house when i start to feel down.

The past few days have seen me being captivated by Anne Tyler’s Ladder of Years. I’ve always loved Tyler’s novels because of her ability to provide her readers with beautiful descriptions, not only of people or places, but also of the fundamentals of the human condition.