The weather’s nice. Sunday weather.

And for today, that is more than enough.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MELLIE!!

The monsoons have officially changed directions. Thank God for the cool air.

I have come to detest the word ‘bumming’, which seems to be in the vocabulary of every Singaporean below the age of 35.

Bumming. Verb. Used to describe a person who’s not working or studying. Derived from the word ‘Bum’. Noun.

I bumped into a friend this afternoon and she asked if i was bumming. Now, i don’t know about you but i don’t think trying to figure out what i want to do with the rest of my life should be termed ‘bumming’.

It means i’m seriously trying to figure out what i want to do with the rest of my life.

It was raining on and off the entire day. I met Len for lunch at O’Brien’s and felt somewhat happier after that. I took a train into town, went to the library and came out with ten books. I’m currently reading Betty Smith’s A tree grows in Brooklyn. A bag at my side, an umbrealla in one hand and the books in another, i made my way to the bookstore to get my magazine.

My flat-ironed hair doesn’t stay straight in this humid country. I am not happy about that.

I think i shall unpack tomorrow. Yeah, i know. I’ve been back for two weeks. I should have unpacked by now. But i’ve conveniently pushed the box and luggage under my bed and forgotten about it.

Tomorrow, i’m going to the airport to see Marilyn off. She’ll be in New Zealand for two weeks. Ah. The southern hemisphere. Memories. I may also try to get some writing done tomorrow. Maybe get a short story out

The cold wind is really nice, i must say. Very conducive for coffee, books, walking, writing, watching DVDs, listening to Dar on the stereo and snuggling.

[Royal Botanical Gardens, Sydney.]

Writing. And writing. And writing. Little time for play. I questioned. Could i handle this? Am i good enough?

But now, it’s over. The application, together with my research proposal and supporting documents are in an envelope. They will travel to Sydney tomorrow. And in six weeks, i will know.

To celebrate the end of this arduous application process, i went and had myself a chai latte this evening. I can’t believe i managed to send in an application in one week. I am proud of myself, yes i am.

Yesterday, we had blue skies for about fifteen minutes. I stood at the bus stop and Five for Fighting’s 100 years was playing. It was a good time for me to step back and say “Enough. Look at the sky, the trees. Listen to the music. This is living.”

I want the rain to stop.

I used to worry that i’d die without ever being kissed. That scared me. But i guess that worry worked itself out and for that, i say “Thank-you”.

Close your eyes and imagine yourself sitting on that bench in the park, with your legs stretched out before you and a latte at your side. The tree is your shelter. The water is your view. The birds are your company. You are not alone.

Tomorrow, i shall wear my pink and white polka-dot skirt and remember the good things that have come my way.

It’s cool tonight. A nice change.

For a while just now, i thought about the possibility of going insane. And then i realised that it was the panic thinking,

not me.

There are days when i feel wise and worthy to dispense advice- to myself and others.

And then there are days when i need to sit back and enjoy the wisdom, without talking.

I’ve spent the last couple of days running around and being so tired that falling asleep during my precious TV watching time has become the norm. Last night, i fell asleep during The OC. That is just sad.

In other news, i started writing my thesis proposal this afternoon. My chances of getting accepted into the university seem to become slimmer as the days go by. But i’m just going to do what my heart tells me to do because i firmly believe that God puts certain desires in our hearts and these are the very things that give us our inclinations. So if you feel really strongly about something, it may be that it’s God’s will for you and he’s just giving you a push in the right direction. I came to this conclusion while waiting for the traffic lights to change from red to green. Realizations come upon us at the oddest of times.

Like this morning in the shower, i suddenly thought of the negotiation of identities by immigrants.

So that went into my proposal.

It’s raining now. I have a postcard of Sydney sitting on my desk. Christmas decorations are being put up in the city (earlier and earlier every year, i swear. Oh well, as long as it makes people smile). The calender above my desk is for the month of August. I had peanut butter on toast and a banana for dinner. I hope i don’t have bipolar disorder (we’re (my psychiatrist and i) monitoring the situation).

Life.

[Do i know that worry is wasteful? Yes. Does that stop me from worrying? Unfortunately, no.]

I sit in the doctor’s office, my fingers tapping against the soft denim of my skirt. The waiting is always the hardest.

I can’t seem to get past the first track of “No more shall we part” by Nick cave and the Bad Seeds and not only because it reminds me of Blue Eyes. Listening to it is a constant reminder that i’m in a place i can barely call home. I’m here but i’m not here. I’m holding myself together until i send my application off to Sydney Uni.

I long for, I long for

I long for my home

I long for a land where

No man was ever known

I’ll pick up the pieces,

I’ll carry on somehow

Tape the broken parts together

And limp this love around

-PJ Harvey, ‘The darker days of me and him’