Sometimes, you got to learn to live.

Kids: The perfect remedy for a troubled soul

I don’t have much time left in this country and i want to spend the rest of my days being happy. I don’t want to be angry. I don’t want to worry unnecessarily. I don’t want to cry.

I need to start packing. Soon.

“Friends are friends forever
If the Lord’s the Lord of them”

June is truly a gift from God. She affirms me, gives me advice, consoles me, supports me, encourages me, and stops me from doing silly things. She prays with me and for me. She makes me laugh.

I tell her that she has to meet the man i plan to marry before i proceed with the wedding. Because if she thinks something is wrong, something probably is.

I have no idea what i’m going to do without June when i’m away. But i love her and treasure her friendship and i guess that’s all that matters.

Oh my goodness. Sarah Mclachlan will be in Sydney on March 20. At the Opera House.

I adore Sarah.

Oh my goodness.

“Weeping may remain for a night,
but rejoicing comes in the morning.”
Psalm 30:5

It’s funny really, how people say i, a medically certified depressed and anxiety-prone individual, make them happy just by being around. It makes you wonder, doesn’t it?

I know i’ve changed. My heart is less burdened, my mind is clearer. And i don’t want to think that a pill i take every day is the sole reason for my change in disposition. The pill helps for sure but i have learnt to let go and i think that’s been the main reason for this change. I don’t wake up in the morning thinking about all the people who’ve let me down. I wake up in the morning realising that it’s a new day full of possibilities. I try not to let the little things bring me down, and let me just say that that in itself is a challenge for someone like me.

I remember when i locked myself in my room for three days last year, crying. When my dad finally made me open the door and asked what was wrong, all i could say was “I’m just not good enough. I’m.Just.Not.Good.Enough.”

What i now know for sure is this- I am good enough. I have always been good enough. I am beautiful, intelligent and talented. I am blessed! I will face difficulties; there will be days where getting out of bed seems like a chore; panic attacks will hit me when i least expect them to.

But because i know that the the sun can still unexpectedly shine on the cloudiest of days, i have hope. Hope that things will be ok. Hope that i will get through the dark times.

And because i’m a Christian, i have faith. Faith that God will not give me anything i cannot handle. Faith that He is here with me, always.

During my walk this morning, the Lord assured me of his presence in my life, now and forever. Oh, the relief.

So, if you say that i make you happy, know that it has come out of years of doubt, disbelief and pain. I have changed.

And i owe it all to God.

The sky is so blue, it looks like a picture you’d find inside a travel magazine- almost unreal, probably photoshopped. The heat is bearable only because of the beauty that a sky this blue brings with it- the trees are greener, the pinkness of the hibiscus makes you stop and stare, your skin is so radiant, it glows. You think- This, this is why i live. Nothing may be going right in my life but i’ve got blue skies, baby. I’ve got blue skies.

In the morning, the leaves fall about me as i walk. The lake feels like the respite i’ve been searching for. The waves crash against the rocks. The air seems to hold so much promise. “I can do anything”, i tell myself. And for a moment, i even believe it.

I think about standing in the kitchen on a Wednesday afternoon as the sun streams in from the French doors. Songs from yesteryear play on the radio, softly. The pale yellow of the butter and sugar i’ve creamed is so pretty, i get lost in it. And then you come in and twirl me around, planting a kiss on my lips. “I love you. I love you, i love you, i love you. I LOVE YOU.”

The little girl sitting opposite you in the cafe has chocolate frosting all over her mouth. You reach over to wipe her clean. You smile because she is your daughter and you love her with a love so powerful, you never before thought it possible. Mother and daughter sit in companionable silence.

Eveningtime-

You sip your tea, bite into a sugar roll and read.

The pink flowers glisten in the evening sunlight.

The radio plays on.

You are safe.