I’m awakened at 6:10 this morning by an overactive mind. I cannot go back to sleep. I lie in bed for 20 minutes before proceeding to the kitchen for some toast with margarine and coffee. The coffee tastes like water but i gulp it down anyway. I’m going to need it.

I put on my earphones and leave for work. I walk for twenty minutes, checking my watch every two minutes to figure out how late i’m going to be. I reach the house five minutes past the time i was supposed to be there. Not bad at all.

I spend eight hours with two little kids, one with an upset tummy and another who doesn’t enjoy quiet time. The cat throws up a couple of times before coming to lie on my lap to listen to me make up stories about a princess stuck in a tower with only peanut butter sandwiches and juice and a prince who comes to her rescue, bringing along pizza, rice and vegetables. At a quarter to four, the kids’ mum gets home. I put on my earphones and leave for home. Gratefully.

The 20 minutes i take to walk back seem like eternity. But i finally reach my destination.

I put the kettle on and proceed to take a shower- a long, hot one. I stand under the water, hoping it’ll take away some of the tension from my upper back. Meanwhile, the bathroom starts to resemble a sauna. I get out hastily.
I get changed into my shorts and large t-shirt, put my hair up and make a cup of coffee. I sit down on the kitchen stool, with my hands wrapped around my mug and take my first sip. Oh bliss. I reach for the cookie jar and eat a biscuit. Or three.

I look out the window and see how the leaves on the plant sway gently in the wind. I watch as darkness descends upon us.
I don’t move. There’s something spiritual about the whole moment. I listen…

And then i take out my book and start to write.

Purple

Rachael and Genevieve

It’s been a difficult week but i have a group of friends who are journeying with me and for that, i’m grateful.
Rachael is one of the most beautiful people i’ve met. I consider her my sister in Sydney. She knows when i’m feeling upset and always reminds me of the many gifts and talents God has bestowed upon me. She gives me advice and is always, always there for me.

But the thing i love most about Rachael is her total trust in God. I mean, this girl is the epitome of faithfulness. And everyone around her can tell how blessed she is because of her unwavering obedience and trust in God.

How blessed I am to have her as my friend!

I can’t save the world.
I don’t need to.
I’m entitled to have sad days.
I don’t need to be everyone’s cheer-upper.

I can spend my entire day lolling about in my bathrobe if i feel like it.
I can whinge about the terribly hot Tuesday.
I can whinge about the rain that falls the day after.
I can laugh for no reason.
I can dream about you.
I can dream about our kids.
I can pretend that i don’t care.
I can procrastinate.
I can not feel guilty about procrastinating.

I can just be Gen.

Weddings and children have been making me weepy of late. Strangely enough, i feel like i’ve finally reached a point where i’m truly happy with the way things have been progressing in my life and have no great desire to be part of a couple or to have a baby.
Well, ok. Maybe that’s not the whole truth.
If i happen to meet him and know with all my heart that he’s it, i can see myself getting married. Maybe even in the next two years.
But i guess what i mean is this- i’m happy and content with the woman i’ve become. I’m happy being Genevieve, idiosyncracies and all. And since they say you can’t love someone else till you’ve learned to love yourself, i think i’m now ready to love.

I work part-time as a nanny and look after two boys- Abel, 4, and Lars, 21 months. Two blonde, curly haired kids who are just so precious that i want to hold them close to me and never let go. This afternoon, as Lars was taking his nap, Abel sat on my lap and we watched “Blue’s Clues” together. Portly, the cat, had his head on my calf. For a moment, i wished this was my life. I wished i lived in that house. I wished that was my kid who was on my lap. I wished Portly was my cat (and i’m not even a big fan of cats).

Just as suddenly as the moment had come, it went.
And all that was left was a yearning heart.