The summer ends and we wonder who we are
And there you go my friends with your boxes in your car
And today I passed the high school, the river, and the maple tree
I passed the farms that minute
Through the last days of the century
And I knew that I was gonna learn again
Again, in this last hazy light
I saw the fields beyond the fields
The fields beyond the fields

Last night, there was rain and lightning. The cool air that greeted me this morning is a reminder that summer is almost over. We have segued almost unknowingly into autumn. One day, you look up and notice that oh, the leaves are not as green as they used to be. Where has the time gone?

And last night was hard you said
You packed up every room
And then you cried into bed
But today you closed the door
And said we have to get a move on
It’s just that time of year
When we push ourselves ahead
We push ourselves ahead

I want to hold on tightly to the last two official days of summer. Summer. Where you kick off your thongs (flip flops/slippers) to feel the sand between your brown toes. Have a glass of anything cold. Wear tank tops and flowy skirts. Pin a flower behind your ear. Run carefree in the wind.

It was cloudy in the morning
And it rained as you drove away
The same things look different
It’s the end of the summer
It’s the end of the summer
When you move to another place

One day, you will wake up and realise that it is winter. Your cold body will crave hot coffee. Your cold hand will crave another’s warm hand. You cold heart will crave soothing words of comfort. You will have a mug of hot chocolate before snuggling under a doona where you will begin to dream dreams of summer; of tank tops and flowers behind ears; of running carefree in the wind.

And the colors are much brighter now
Its like they really want to tell the truth
Give our testimony to
The end of the summer
It’s the end of the summer
We can spend the light to go

(Words in italics taken from The end of the summer by the phenomenal Dar Williams)

Friday
morning walk. short skirts. raisin toast. girlfriends. yummy chai. 6 week birthday bubba. ben harper. vanilla yoghurt with peach, dried fruit and nuts. afternoon cuddles. newtown. sunset. corelli’s. corn fritters. skim decaf cappucino. dreaming. wedding dresses. sneaking glances. one lovely waiter who makes me feel beautiful. one crazy flatmate who makes my life beautiful.
The end

gen & marilyn @ Bondi

I am filled with so much joy. It’s a new day and God’s mercies are new every morning!
I feel loved and protected.
I want to skip down the streets and do little twirls along the way.
Funny thing is, nothing has changed since yesterday. I remain unsure but oh, the hope that floods my broken heart!
Wisdom comes when you ask for it.
Peace comes when you quieten your soul and really listen.

The rustling leaves outside are my only music.

I feel like i’m walking and walking; trudging through the sand; falling down over and over again; getting up and then again, falling. I don’t feel as if God has forsaken me. In fact, i feel his presence strongly. I am broken hearted and he says he is close to the broken hearted so i know he’s here. But, I feel as if i’ve forsaken myself. There must be more than this. There must be.

I hate knowing that this year is my year and yet, nothing has happened. I am the girl who is used to going after what she wants and often getting it, not one who sits back and waits. I don’t like waking up each morning not knowing. Monday could be Thursday or Tuesday. It doesn’t make a difference. Here i am, waiting. Waiting and waiting and waiting and waiting.

I am waiting and believeing for a miracle. My miracle.

As i am writing this, i hear When you believe come on the radio.

They don’t always happen when you ask
And it’s easy to give in to your fears
But when you’re blinded by your pain
Can’t see the way, get through the rain
A small but still, resilient voice
Says hope is very near

Yesterday, February 16, marked my one year anniversary in Sydney. I have grown into a woman i’m proud of and happy with.

My spiritual life has taken on a new level i never imagined possible or available. The daily conversations with God and the time i spend with him in quiet reflection, through his Word or during a moment of deep reverence in the midst of crashing waves have strengthened my heart.

I take care of my body and have made peace with it. I go for morning runs along King Street- running past all the people rushing to work; running past the smell of coffee and freshly baked bread. I swim. I walk. I eat my fruit. I drink my water. I take my vitamins.

I have learned to love and let go. Loving was a lot easier than letting go. But i have emerged stronger through experience. I love my friends. I love my family. And i am so in love with God. I had to learn to love him. I had to let myself be embraced, allured and romanced even though i felt unworthy.
I still struggle with feelings of unworthiness. In moments of weakness, i wonder how someone could and why they would love me. On most days, i am fairly confident of my ability to love and be loved in return. (On this note, my first Valentine’s day in Sydney was pretty uneventful (that is, no sudden declarations of love or a huge bouqet turning up on my doorstep), save for a coffee date with Jena. We sat and talked about boys. As you do.)

So, things have changed and continue to change every day. I’ve been back here three weeks since my holiday in Singapore and am amazed (and possibly perplexed) by the rate at which changes are taking place. God is definitely on the go here, i can tell.

Yesterday evening, after the rain had eased, we saw a double rainbow. My first ever double rainbow. We were in the car, i was rocking Charlie and suddenly…enraptured. It took my breath away. I knew without a doubt that i was being assured and loved and held. And a double rainbow on the one year anniversary of my move to Sydney was pure, sweet icing on the cake for what i have known since the day i arrived:

I am home.

(Speaking of home, check out my niece’s blog. She’s turning out to be quite the writer!)

I love ferry rides- sitting out front, putting my feet up and the wind making my hair do crazy stunts. The sun sets and it gets dark slowly. The city is lit up. The smell of the sea reassures that things are just the way they should be.
It’s all slightly romantic.

I’m thankful that i had a chance to make new ferry memories this last week.
I’m thankful that i’m alive to enjoy life.

(Listening to “Sunshine” by Ricki-Lee Coulter and loving it!)