I don’t understand why it’s so difficult sometimes. This morning, i made myself go out for breakfast. To do something that would make me happy. To forget. I hate that it’s my rest day and instead of resting, i’m annoyed, angry, restless and upset. How is it that another person can make me feel this way? And why is it that i can’t look beyond this and let it go.

Next year, i’m determined to go for a conference in New York. I’ll work hard and get myself a place there. Things will change for me.

Today, i baked a carrot cake with orange cream cheese frosting to the soundtrack from Amelie. I had it with a cup of coffee for afternoon tea. Now, i try to keep warm. It feels like winter all over again. So cold. I sit and write, trying to think. I am also intriged by some videos from youtube discussing notions of beauty sparked by Dove’s “Evolution” video. Now i indulge in some self-reflexivity. What is beauty? What am i worth?

Today, i discovered another cafe on Crown St. in Surry Hills. I’ve been wanting to visit it for almost a year now but somehow, never did. Today however, fortuitously, i sat myself down and ordered a skim cappucino and fig and walnut toast. It’s a small cafe which probably sits about seven people comfortably inside and about four outside. It has a lovely French feel to it, with items such as Pain au Chocolat and Bonne Mamma Jam on the menu written in a lovely cursive script and peach-coloured roses sitting in glass vases. (I remembered then that i need to learn French soon). It also serves croissants, a whole range of toast (including sour cherry) and sandwiches. The staff are smiley and my coffee was just the way i liked it. They gave me three slices of the fig and walnut toast, which was really generous i thought. And altogether, it only cost me $6.50. Bargain. It’s been a long time since i went to a cafe and felt completely alive, like my dreams could come true and that life will be everything i thought it would be. And then some.
For the afternoons i feel like i need some Gen time, i will walk down in a flowy dress, order a coffee and a biscuit, listen to the sweet music playing, watch the people outside walk hurriedly and then. Rest.

On another note, the jacaranda trees are blooming! That means exam time is near and that means, more marking for me. Hurrah.

I am counting down the days till i go home for Christmas. Not long. Just 2 months. It seem like eternity. Maybe it’s writing about home and reading about home and trying to academise home. Maybe i miss seeing the familiar and doing the familiar. Like sitting on my armchair (which my dad has since claimed) and devouring books after the last exam had ended, knowing i had three glorious months off. I miss watching a late afternoon movie at Lido with Mel or Rel and then coming out to a dark night, drizzle and wet sidewalks. The Christmas light-up and the rain would fill the air with romance. We would walk across the road to Starbucks, sit by our favourite window and order the Christmas drink. Really. It was that simple. Evening runs at the beach with my discman playing something Hillsong or my own evening mix. Sunday dinners with my aunties. The dismal walk home after. Nights spent staring out of the window dreaming about escaping.

And now i’m here. In this place i call…i call what? A transition? Second home? A place to rebuild myself?

I am rebuilding myself in a place where no one has known me for more than two years. Where i can pretend to be anyone i one. Except i am more myself now than i ever was. But it gets lonely sometimes. I was never alone in Singapore. There was always someone to see or something to do. Here, i spend my days alone at home, at uni, having coffee. Then Jon comes over and i forget about being lonely. Push it to the back of my mind. But then today comes, and it’s back to sitting here with myself for company. Everything comes with a price.

What would it be like to have Jon with me in my home this Christmas? I will take him to my Starbucks, to my library, to my church, to my teh tarik store, to Borders, to Marche, to Little India. We will spend Christmas together. Someone new at our annual Christmas brunch filled with so much food. Walking at the beach, holding hands and having everyone stare at white and brown together. And then New Year’s. Where we herald in a new year. Together. Our year.
I have the pleasure of bringing someone i love into my home, my world as i knew it. Two more months that feel like eternity.