The picture above is of my friends Lisa, Eric and Charlie at the beach on Sunday afternoon. Lisa is pregnant with her second child and is due in the next couple of days, which is very exciting.

So, World Youth Day has descended upon Sydney. On Tuesday, I joined my friends who have come down from Singapore for this occasion. It was wonderful to see worshippers from all over the world singing, cheering and having fun. I couldn’t help but get cheered up myself just from watching them.

It’s been a tough week for Jon and myself and i could not have gotten through it without the love and support of my lovely friend, Shannon. She came over on Monday with darling Levi and sat with me as i cried. The emotions i had stored up inside for months and months came tumbling out with every tear shed and i felt so much better afterwards.

Last night, we had a movie night at home. We borrowed Dan in real life from the video store and went to the supermarket to get some popping corn, chocolate and cream soda. Once home, we made some honey butter popcorn and sat down to watch the movie with our yummy snacks, all cuddled up for warmth. Oh, it was a beautiful night and just what we needed. We hardly eat junk food at home and it was a guilty pleasure to consume all that sugar in one sitting. I didn’t feel too good this morning but it was worth it!

I’ve decided to tutor at the university next semester and it feels good to have made a decision finally. So far, this year has gone nothing like i had thought it would. I’m trying to be ok with that because it’s been too difficult trying to fight it.

I read Lisa’s blogpost about her porch a few minutes ago and it reminded me of how much i love the idea of porch. I can’t wait to have a porch of my own, where i can sit and drink coffee and read a good novel or watch the sun as it sets. I will surely perish without hope and dreams- i know this about myself and it is probably true for everyone. So today, i am immensely thankful for the reminder of the dreams i had as a young girl, where even at the age of 15 i could see myself sitting on the porch and watching the world go by. I have always been a romantic, i guess and to me, the porch is such a wonderful representation of all things romantic.

As i type this, the afternoon sun is streaming in through the window of the study which is normally a cold and dark room i avoid unless on the computer. It is a beautiful sight. Outside, my white curtains are drying in the wind and it makes me smile when i think about how nice they’re going to look hanging from the windows in the living room. See, there are many things to be happy about, many things to live for.

To me, an ideal summer afternoon would go something like this: Walk to the beach in my white kaftan, swim in the ocean, walk back home all wet but feeling strong and invincible, have a long shower, bake some cookies and then sit down with some tea and a favourite magazine. The sun will warm my face and the smell of saltwater will linger on my skin as i flip the pages and dream about country homes.

With the magnolias blooming (and now the jasmine and cherry blossoms as well!), i can always pretend it’s spring, which means i can pretend that summer is not too far away. I love everything about summer, especially the long days, abundance of nectarines and peaches and the feeling of happiness that is evident on everyone’s faces.

But it’s still quite startling to see the flowers in bloom and i actually wish they would bloom when they’re supposed to, in spring. At the end of every winter, i walk past the jasmine bush and see the tiny white flowers blooming one by one; and then one day, almost overnight, it’s an explosion of white and i pluck some for myself. This is my ritual and to me it heralds in the start of a new season and the promise of warmer days.

But now, it’s the middle of winter and today, it’s so cold. When i see the jasmine, nothing makes sense to me. I feel disturbed. And for some reason, no one else seems to be as disturbed as i am. Jon listens to me rambling on about “The flowers! Why are they blooming now? They’re not supposed to!” every night and shrugs. He doesn’t have an answer that will satisfy me. He wants to offer sympathy but knows it is pointless.

It’s more than just being worried about climate change. It’s as if nothing is certain anymore. Last night, in bed, i told Jon that i’d like us to spend a year in America. Just like that, an out-of-the-blue-where-is-this-coming-from statement that i like to make right before we fall asleep. This morning, i thought more about what i has said and envisioned putting all our things in storage and leaving Australia. Just the thought of it made me anxious.

Late afternoon winter sun warming up the house

Dawn Landes’ music- perfect for the afternoon

Dusk on Sunday

A stress-free supermarket shopping experience this morning

$70 below budget for this week’s shop! Go me!

A stack of library books waiting to be read, inluding Lionel Shriver’s The Post-Birthday World which i need to read and return to the library by Thursday

Weekend expeditions with my husband

Buying 2 pairs of funky shoes for $20

The thought of getting my own digital SLR this weekend

Waiting to see how the rest of my life unfolds

During my walk the other day, i thought about how the weather seemed almost spring-like. The day was cool but comfortably so and a denim jacket was all i needed to protect myself from the wind.

And then i saw some magnolias blooming.

This has been a very strange winter and we have two months left of it. This morning, it was about 8-10 degrees celcius and overcast. I took my umbrella and walked to the beach to see if i could spot any humpback whales. My friend has seen them close to the shore several times this past week and having never seen them before, i really, really wanted to see one. No such luck though. Instead, i watched some surfers doing their thing before it started to rain heavily and i began the arduous walk home up the hill. I am determined to see a whale before their migration is complete so i will continue these walks to the beach in the middle of winter.

Last Sunday, one of my neighbours organised a street party in the park opposite our houses. It was so much fun getting to know everyone but by the end of the evening, i was left with a serious case of envy. All i could think about was how this young couple not much older than Jon and me had bought a million dollar home a few doors down. How? And then, i thought about how everyone else surely leads a much better life than i do, surely. You can see where this is heading.

I had a restless sleep that night and woke up feeling as if i was a failure- no job, renting a small apartment, no hundreds of dollars to spend on clothes! Shoes! More things i don’t need! And then to find that someone had ripped the rear windshield wiper off of the car we’re trying to sell. That was the last straw.

I felt that God had let me down and i refused to heed Jon’s advice to find things i could be grateful for. Even an almond croissant for breakfast couldn’t cheer me up.

But in the afternoon, i decided to make a chocolate and cinnamon swirl bread. The act of adding flour, water and yeast together and then kneading helped ease the anxiety in my mind and body. The act of waiting for the dough to rise made me understand the importance of waiting.
And then i finally came out of it.

Yes, there were many things to be grateful for. I have a wonderful husband and family. My home, although rented and small, is quite lovely. I live 10 minutes from the beach. I have so many gifts and talents. My husband is in a job he loves that pays well. Yes, so many things to be grateful for.

The next day, i went to Borders and read all my favourite magazines for three hours. And then, i went to the supermarket and bought some gorgeous conditioner (with lavender and jade extracts) and body wash (mango butter and frangipani). They weren’t expensive and they made me feel like i had had a big treat.

So, the days come and go and i try to be positive. The chocolate cinnamon bread turned out beautifully and when toasted and buttered, it’s unbeliveable. Last night, i read and re-read some poems by Mary Oliver and remembered what a great writer she is. Her poems remind me of everything that is good in the world.