There are times, when I’m walking along certain streets of Sydney, that I can almost believe that I’m in a small country town. There would be an absence of constant traffic and I would pass by a garden with pink flowers flowing out onto the street. The only sound would be the soft, soothing rustling of the leaves. Those are the times when I would imagine myself riding my bicycle and giving a little “toot” of the horn and a big smile when I passed by a familiar face; the basket attached to my bicycle would hold a freshly baked sourdough loaf, a bunch of daisies and a bottle of wine for dinner that night.

Soon enough, a car wakes me from my walking reverie and then another car passes by. Snippets of adult conversation waft towards me from the café I pass by- “Did you hear…?” “No!” “I’d like to offer you this job” “I’m pregnant”. I notice the rubbish lying by the side of the road and as I wait to cross the intersection, not one vehicle gives way to me to walk across to my house.

As my walk back from the library ends, I realise that I did have a very lovely time indeed walking the streets of Sydney in a tie-at-the shoulder white flowy blouse, a pair of worn-in jeans, a blue bucket hat and a red straw bag. My walk had consisted of happy thoughts like baking and toile de jouy fabric and I had even found some organic chai and honey yoghurt at the store. Really, a good time.

But as I enter my house, all I want to do is for someone to embrace me and tell me that it’s all going to be ok. It’s a yucky feeling that settles into my bones and makes itself comfortable. Later on in the afternoon, i find myself swimming laps in the ocean bath, an activity that would usually leave me feeling strong and invincible. Instead, after 30 laps, i get out and make my way home, tired. In the kitchen, i watch the autumn light come gently into the kitchen. I sit in a ray of sunshine and sip some tea, grateful for that at least.

Words are not flowing today and i’m feeling a little mellow but here are some things that are inspiring me and making me happy:

This video of Alanis Morisette’s Not as we. Just beautiful.

Eating well- homemade beetroot dip with carrot and celery sticks, chickpea and zuchinni fritters with a spinach and tomato salad, oatmeal and raisin cookies with a cup of coffee.

Pilates.

Date night at David Jones, where we are perched on stools, drinking our coffees and milkshakes and maybe having a slice of carrot cake.

Jhumpa Lahiri’s Unaccustomed Earth. She never disappoints.

This blog.

Peonies.

This local magazine.

My new white summery top.

Summer in 4 days.

Walnut and raisin sourdough from Sonoma, toasted with butter and honey. Is there anything more satisfying than good bread?

Dreaming of a sweet, charming and welcoming home for our future.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone celebrating. We don’t celebrate thanksgiving in Australia but i know we all have something we can be grateful for at this very moment.

The picture above is of my friends Lisa, Eric and Charlie at the beach on Sunday afternoon. Lisa is pregnant with her second child and is due in the next couple of days, which is very exciting.

So, World Youth Day has descended upon Sydney. On Tuesday, I joined my friends who have come down from Singapore for this occasion. It was wonderful to see worshippers from all over the world singing, cheering and having fun. I couldn’t help but get cheered up myself just from watching them.

It’s been a tough week for Jon and myself and i could not have gotten through it without the love and support of my lovely friend, Shannon. She came over on Monday with darling Levi and sat with me as i cried. The emotions i had stored up inside for months and months came tumbling out with every tear shed and i felt so much better afterwards.

Last night, we had a movie night at home. We borrowed Dan in real life from the video store and went to the supermarket to get some popping corn, chocolate and cream soda. Once home, we made some honey butter popcorn and sat down to watch the movie with our yummy snacks, all cuddled up for warmth. Oh, it was a beautiful night and just what we needed. We hardly eat junk food at home and it was a guilty pleasure to consume all that sugar in one sitting. I didn’t feel too good this morning but it was worth it!

I’ve decided to tutor at the university next semester and it feels good to have made a decision finally. So far, this year has gone nothing like i had thought it would. I’m trying to be ok with that because it’s been too difficult trying to fight it.

I read Lisa’s blogpost about her porch a few minutes ago and it reminded me of how much i love the idea of porch. I can’t wait to have a porch of my own, where i can sit and drink coffee and read a good novel or watch the sun as it sets. I will surely perish without hope and dreams- i know this about myself and it is probably true for everyone. So today, i am immensely thankful for the reminder of the dreams i had as a young girl, where even at the age of 15 i could see myself sitting on the porch and watching the world go by. I have always been a romantic, i guess and to me, the porch is such a wonderful representation of all things romantic.

As i type this, the afternoon sun is streaming in through the window of the study which is normally a cold and dark room i avoid unless on the computer. It is a beautiful sight. Outside, my white curtains are drying in the wind and it makes me smile when i think about how nice they’re going to look hanging from the windows in the living room. See, there are many things to be happy about, many things to live for.

I hurt my right wrist a couple of days ago and have been unable to do much. The weekend thus was spent at home. However, the good thing that came out of this was the putting together of this new blog and my website (still under construction) that will contain my photographs.

All credit goes to my very lovely husband for giving up his weekend to style this blog for me. I am very particular about what i like and dislike so Jon’s patience was most definitely put to the test as i tried to choose a banner for the blog and get the fonts, colours and even the amount of space between each blog post just right. So, thank you honey for a beautiful job done. I love you.

As the days get colder, the visions i have for my life become stronger. As the sun sets earlier and earlier, i dream of long days spent in the porch, David Austin roses growing in the garden and playing my grand piano as the sun streams in through french doors casting shadows on timber floors.

It’s as if this winter is bringing to the surface all my dormant dreams and whispering gently to me that “Yes. Yes, you can do it. Yes, you can have it all.”

It’s been quite a week, battling with the voices in my head that tell me the dreams for my life will never be fulfilled. Some days it’s easier to deal with them; refute them. Other days, not so.

When we went to the Blue Mountains two Saturdays ago, we found a place that seemed to belong to another world- autumn leaves strewn everywhere, a stream, a wooden log table and bench, quiet. It was ‘the woods’ i had read about in books as a child. There was something magical about this place and i imagined having this as my backyard. A place to go to when i needed to escape; a tyre swing to swing into the heavens above; seeing my reflection in the water below.

Yesterday i watched ‘Made of honour’, only because it had Patrick Dempsey in it. $9 well spent if only for those eyes and that smile. The movie itself was mediocre. It was nice getting a McDreamy fix in the middle of the week though. Only four days till Sunday when Grey’s airs.

When the previews started (i like to go to movies early to see previews), the one for ‘Sex and the City’ came up. Don Henley’s ‘The heart of the matter’ was the background track playing, except it was a female singer singing it. Today, i found out that it was India Arie whose music i love. Since buying it on itunes, i have been playing it on repeat. It’s so good. And i can’t wait for the movie to come out!

Dinner last night was beautiful- toasted turkish bread and a lovely creamy camembert for starters. Then a tuna and olive pasta with fresh herbs and a glass of red wine.

Saying grace with my husband before eating. Intimate conversations with lots of laughter thrown in just because. Watching the Gilmore Girls together (he pretended not to be interested but i could tell he was). Being carried to the bath. My body cocooned in his, feet tangled up together as we fell alseep.

There are so many good things to look forward to.