It is 5 pm and i am sitting at the kitchen table that overlooks our backyard. I have a cup of green tea and a slice (the last one) of mixed berry coffeecake on the table. Outside, birds are singing their evening song. The air is still and sweet and warm. It is the last week of winter and on a day like today, it is easy to believe that spring is just around the corner.

The windows in the house are open. There is no need to keep the cold out today. I have Real Simple open before me. I find it to be the quintessential American magazine, especially the July issue (which for obvious reasons seems very patriotic) which i am reading a month later. The recipes for baby-back ribs, fried green tomatoes and blueberry cobbler; the lady who wrote in to say that one of the top three things she wants to do before she dies is to have a little cottage on the coast of Maine and spend her days writing a novel (i know nothing of Maine but it sounds like a fabulous idea); articles on summer parties and summer clothes and summer flowers.

Every issue of the magazine i read always makes me want to go to America, in summer. It sounds positively idyllic. Reality may be something else but those pages of Real Simple keep me content during the cold winter months in Australia.

In honour of spring, i asked Jon to change my blog banner. I also cut my hair short and bought a sewing machine. I am looking forward to this new season and all it will have to offer. And then soon it will be summer and i will joyfully plunge myself into the ocean- that first dip in the cold water (it never seems to be warm enough) that will make me scream in delight before giving myself up to the movement of the waves.

Yes. Winter is indeed over.

During my walk the other day, i thought about how the weather seemed almost spring-like. The day was cool but comfortably so and a denim jacket was all i needed to protect myself from the wind.

And then i saw some magnolias blooming.

This has been a very strange winter and we have two months left of it. This morning, it was about 8-10 degrees celcius and overcast. I took my umbrella and walked to the beach to see if i could spot any humpback whales. My friend has seen them close to the shore several times this past week and having never seen them before, i really, really wanted to see one. No such luck though. Instead, i watched some surfers doing their thing before it started to rain heavily and i began the arduous walk home up the hill. I am determined to see a whale before their migration is complete so i will continue these walks to the beach in the middle of winter.

Last Sunday, one of my neighbours organised a street party in the park opposite our houses. It was so much fun getting to know everyone but by the end of the evening, i was left with a serious case of envy. All i could think about was how this young couple not much older than Jon and me had bought a million dollar home a few doors down. How? And then, i thought about how everyone else surely leads a much better life than i do, surely. You can see where this is heading.

I had a restless sleep that night and woke up feeling as if i was a failure- no job, renting a small apartment, no hundreds of dollars to spend on clothes! Shoes! More things i don’t need! And then to find that someone had ripped the rear windshield wiper off of the car we’re trying to sell. That was the last straw.

I felt that God had let me down and i refused to heed Jon’s advice to find things i could be grateful for. Even an almond croissant for breakfast couldn’t cheer me up.

But in the afternoon, i decided to make a chocolate and cinnamon swirl bread. The act of adding flour, water and yeast together and then kneading helped ease the anxiety in my mind and body. The act of waiting for the dough to rise made me understand the importance of waiting.
And then i finally came out of it.

Yes, there were many things to be grateful for. I have a wonderful husband and family. My home, although rented and small, is quite lovely. I live 10 minutes from the beach. I have so many gifts and talents. My husband is in a job he loves that pays well. Yes, so many things to be grateful for.

The next day, i went to Borders and read all my favourite magazines for three hours. And then, i went to the supermarket and bought some gorgeous conditioner (with lavender and jade extracts) and body wash (mango butter and frangipani). They weren’t expensive and they made me feel like i had had a big treat.

So, the days come and go and i try to be positive. The chocolate cinnamon bread turned out beautifully and when toasted and buttered, it’s unbeliveable. Last night, i read and re-read some poems by Mary Oliver and remembered what a great writer she is. Her poems remind me of everything that is good in the world.

Lately, i’ve felt the need to run. When i close my eyes, i see a vision of myself running and running, my legs moving to the rythmn of the ocean. In my vision, i feeel a sense of freedom i haven’t felt in a while. It dawns on me that this need to run is not only a basic, physical need to move fast and get fit but also a spiritual and emotional need to move towards something bigger- running towards home; running towards dreams; running into the arms of my comforter.

So yesterday, casting aside all fear, i put on my running shoes and ran. I ran along the water, soothed by the late afternoon sun and the rythmn of the ocean. As my feet pounded the pavement, i realised that i could have done this months ago and saved myself days and days of feeling bad about my body and unsure of myself. Every step i took made me feel stronger and more confident.

And when i finally found myself lying on the floor at home an hour later, i felt like i had fought an enemy and won.

The heaters have to be turned on at night. In the day, scarves and gloves protect from the cold. Summer seems far away now and i can’t believe that a few months ago, i walked to the beach in a tank top, shorts, slippers and hat. It is hard for me to see the days getting shorter and shorter. This week, i’ve had to turn on the lights in the house at 4pm.

The upside to all this of course is the food: breakfast out with my husband-coffee, hot chocolate, banana bread and sourdough with a poached egg, baked beans and chorizos- on Tuesday morning before he works from home for the day. Pumpkin soup with a dash of allspice and nutmeg for dinner. A quince and pear crumble for dessert this Friday. All serve to offer comfort for cold bodies.

Today, i met Jena for coffee. I have come to rely on our weekly catch-ups to keep me on track with my life. I need someone whom i can talk to about my relationship with Jonathan knowing that it will not be part of next week’s gossip session. I need someone to help me on this journey that is sometimes difficult and who will not judge or persecute. So, for rekindled friendship, i am grateful.

I asked Jena if i could please take some photos of her at the beach this afternoon after coffee, The afternoon light was delicious and she is a beautiful subject. We only had five minutes but it was worth it. I felt happier and so much more in tune with myself after our little session.

And that’s how i know that photography is a big part of my life. I love it so and i feel excited after to see how the photos turned out. I’ve got an eye for good shots and lighting and i think with some studying, i may actually be quite proficient with the technicalities. In the meantime, i must save for a camera. The Canon DSLR i have been using for the past few weeks was on loan from a friend and tomorrow, i must return it.

But in a short time, it has revealed to me what i already know but found hard to believe- that i can follow my passions; that i can be good at many things; that nothing is impossible.